Forever, Your Bella
by charl88
Summary: Bella writes a letter to Edward about the years that they were together and her thoughts and feelings. Bella x Edward - Based on all four books


_**Author Note: Just a quick note to explain that I have used the book timeline (found at lexicon) so Edward is aged 103 (Jan 2005) and 105 (Jan 2007). Just wanted to clarify that just in case any body confused by ages that have been mentioned. I will try and stick to the book version to make sure that I do not mix up the ages as the movie is obviously different. Please enjoy this fanfiction and let me know what you think in a review.**_

My Dearest Edward,

I could never have imagined that when I moved to Forks for the summer that my life would have taken the path that it has. I never imagined that I would have met someone like you. Someone that has completely changed my life and made me feel happier than I ever have. If someone had told me that Forks would be the place that I would have found true love and happiness then I would have just laughed. But it would have been true. I have found true love and happiness and it is all because of you. I am so thankful for having you in my life and you could never imagine how much I owe my life to you.

When I first saw you I didn't know what to think. I was intrigued by your beauty, by the gracefulness of your walk. But I was warned away from you, told that you kept yourself to yourself and that no one was good enough for you in Forks High School, although you had a lot of girls swooning over you. But I guess I was good enough for you. I felt hurt when you treated me the way you did in the first biology class. The way that you held your nose in disgust as I entered the classroom and sat beside you, the way that you stared at me throughout the entire lecture and the way that you stormed out of the classroom before the bell. I didn't know what I had done to offend you, we hadn't even talked and yet there you were avoiding me and treating me like something that should belong in the trash.

But then I discovered the truth about you. Mainly because of what Jacob Black had told me. He told me about the Quileute legends, about the Pale Faces and the legend of the Quileutes descending from wolves (who knew that both of them would turn out to be true?). I wasn't sure what to think when I discovered that you were a vampire. I was shocked, shocked by the fact that they actually existed but I wasn't scared. I am not sure why, most people would have been but by that time I was falling in love with you and nothing was going to change my mind about you – not even finding out that you were a bloodsucking creature of the night. Although I know that is not the case now. When I confronted you about it and I got a little scared, I could tell that you wanted me to be afraid, and that you hated me for being accepting. Hated me for the way that my blood smelt and for making you want to kill me. But I trusted you not to and I stayed with you, no matter how many times you told me not to for my own safety – and your sanity.

It scared me when I discovered that I was in love with you. It was a new feeling, one that I was scared to feel – especially with what you were. Especially since we had only been going out for about 5 weeks. I never expected to fall in love that quickly. But I had fallen in love and nothing was going to change that, not even Charlie or Jacob. I realised that I wanted to be with you permanently, to become one of you even though I had only known you four months, I knew that you were the person that I was destined to spend the rest of my life with. It felt right, the way we fitted together. I am not sure how to describe it, not even now – nearly two years on. When you touched me my skin would always shiver but not because of how cold you were but how you made me feel. You would hold me as I fell asleep and I knew that you would always be there to protect me, that you would not let anyone harm me – not even yourself. It was like we were meant to be, that you had waited for me for the 87 years that you had been immortal. I didn't care what you were, I just cared that you wanted me, and that you were there when I needed you.

I never knew that falling in love with you could be so complicated. The way that everyone seemed to watch us at every move as if they could not believe that we were together. To be honest some of the time I could not believe that we were together. I mean why would _you_ want to be with _me_? There were so many girls that you could have had. Ones that were smarter and prettier than me. know what you would be saying to me right now.... "Bella dammit, would you shut up about that? I have told you this before, I love you because you are not like the rest of them. You have beauty that they don't. I wish that you would stop putting yourself down". But now that I am one of you I do not worry about that anymore. I am now beautiful.

Then James started the hunt on me and that was what frightened me the most. I can't believe that I fell for the trick that he played. I nearly died because of that, but you stopped me. You saved me even when the pull of my blood pulled you, you still managed to suck the venom out of me and save me. I saw your face flashing in front of me as the venom started to seep into my skin. I could feel my body shaking and the voices of your family but I could see your face clearly. I hoped that when I woke up that I would be one of you. That I would be able yo join your family. But that never happened, you would not let that happen. I woke up in the hospital bed with my family surrounding me. You told me that you felt responsible for the attack and that I should not be around you, but I could not let you leave. You were my life and it was not complete without you in it.

You convinced me to go to the prom – the one thing that I had dreaded and was hoping to avoid but you would not let me. Told me that I should not miss this right of passage. But I didn't care, I just wanted to be with you and we did not need to be at the prom to do that. But you took me anyway and I have to admit, that I did slightly enjoy it.

I know that we had only been dating a few months before I asked you to change me but I knew Edward, I knew that we were meant to be together. Nothing else mattered except being with you. I didn't care that you were 103 and I was only 17 – the age didn't matter, I just needed to be with you, no matter of the danger. But you told me that you would not change me. That you did not want me becoming one of you. I did not understand this. I thought that you loved me and that this would be the best thing for it but you told me that your love should have been enough. And it was. But I wanted to be with you entirely but you would not give into the subject so I left it for a while.

But then you did the one thing that I thought that you would never do, the one thing that you promised that you would never do. The one thing that caused me so much hurt and so much pain – you left me. On my own. The worst part of it was that you thought I could handle you being gone out of my life. I was a mess Edward, I wish that you could have seen how hollow I was inside. I was like a zombie. I followed a routine, I never smiled, I never interacted. I went inside a shell, and I would not come out of it. I thought that you didn't love me. You have no idea how much that had hurt me. I gave you my life, and you seemed to throw that away. I understand that though, you had been alone for 87 years, not being able to be close to a human because of your being a vampire, but you had told me that I was the one person that you had to have.

I thought that you didn't love me anymore Edward, hearing you say those words hurt me the most. Like you had cut me with a knife. I thought that we were always going to be together – to have forever. But then you told me that you and your leaving and that you did not _want_ me to be there. I could feel my heart breaking as those words cut into my skin. I knew that I could not love again. That you were the only person that I could ever love, the only person that I _ever_ wanted to love. I thought that it was my fault. For being too weak to be handle your lifestyle. You cannot imagine the pain that I went through Edward (I do not want you feeling guilty, I just wanted to mention it). I truly though that I would never heal, that I would never be the person that I was before I had met you. And then Jacob Black entered my life.

Jacob was the person that made me come out of that shell slightly. He made me see that life was worth living to some degree. But life was never the same with you not around, although Jacob had healed some of my heart, it was never fully complete without you being there. Discovering that I could hear and see you when doing something reckless made me want to be idiotic and reckless. I needed to hear you, needed to see you, needed to be with you. So I did reckless things, I know that you would not be happy about it, but I didn't care, it was the only way that I could be with you and that is all that I cared about. You were there whilst I was drowning, I could see your face clearly, your voice clear in my head that I should hold on, fight against it and save myself. But I didn't want to. Not if it meant that I could see you. But then I was dragged out of the water and the perfect vision of you left.

Alice thought I had committed suicide and you found out, and was determined to join me. When Alice told me that you were going to get the Volturi to kill you I couldn't breathe. I could not believe that you would take your own life. And because of me. I would not have allowed it. So I made my way to Italy. I would not sleep, would not rest until I found out. I nearly lost you Edward and that scared me. I thought that I would never be able to touch you again, to feel your lips gently pressed against mine. Fortunately I saved you from death and was able to hold you once again in my arms. I could feel the hole in my heart slowly repairing itself. But I would not allow it to completely heal knowing that once we got back to Forks that you could easily leave me again. Leave me to become the hollow shell that I had once been, that I still was at times.

But you didn't. You kept apologising and telling me how much you loved me and that you would never leave me again. You thought that leaving me would be the best thing for me, but it wasn't. It had caused me so much hurt, so much pain. Without you I was nothing. An empty shell, you were the only one that could bring me out of that. We argued about turning me into one of you, that you would not take my 'soul' and that you wanted me to age, and once I died that you would follow but I did not want that. I wanted to be with you forever, at the age that I was. But you had different plans. You kept making conditions about when you would change me but I wouldn't agree. Then you had one final condition. That I marry you. I never believed that you could be serious about that. I was not the marrying type, I had never thought about marriage, especially not at 17 but you were adamant and although I was not sure I agreed but we had to make it secret. So we became engaged and I waited eagerly for the day when you would change me.

I disliked you for not allowing me to see Jacob. My best friend. The guy that was the reason that I had not become an empty shell completely, that some part of me was still living. I understood that he was a werewolf and that vampires and werewolves were enemies but he was still Jacob to me and I wasn't going to let the fact that they hated each other get in the way of our friendship. But Jacob was a strong influence in my life and not matter how much I loved you I was willing to risk you being angry at me just to see him. I love him you know? I guess I have to right? After everything that he has done for me. Without him I would not have been here today, I would not have been the person I was when I came back for you. So please at least you owe him for that. For pulling me out of the darkness that had succumbed me. It made me stronger, knowing that I had someone there who could heal some of the holes in my heart, that could make me get up and enjoy the day. I know the two of you are not what you call 'friends' but you are closer, and I am thankful for that. Thankful for you to putting prejudices aside and working together. It means a lot to me, and maybe you two could become friends one day, but I am not going to wait around for that. At least I can have both of you in my life now and that is more than I could have ever asked for.

I still cannot believe that you were so forgiving about me kissing him. Most men would have gotten angry, would have started argument, but you just said that you wanted me to be happy and that you would have accepted the decision about who I wanted to be with – you or Jacob. Of course it was you Edward, it always was. Jacob was...Jacob was different. My love for me would never be stronger than the love for you and I am so sorry that I kissed him Edward, I was just afraid. Afraid of what was going to happen.

I thought that I was going to lose you in Seattle. You cannot imagine how scared I was. Wondering if they would get to you. Take you away from me. I couldn't imagine going through that again. I would have joined you. I would not live my life without you in it. You were my life. My reason for living and I was not going to be living if you weren't. Watching you kill Victoria was probably one of the hardest things that I could have seen you do. It scared me, I knew that it needed to be done but it still did not make it any easier as I watched you tear the limbs from her body and then burn the pieces. I kept imagining that was you, that you could have been the person that was burning and not Victoria. But you were stronger than her and less distracted, and that gave you the upper hand.

I am glad that you survived. I could not imagine my life without you. Not to be able to fall asleep with your cold arms wrapped around me protectively, making sure that nothing would hurt me. Not to be able to see that smile, the smile that you have only for me. But most of all not be able to feel your soft cool lips pressed against mine, although that was as far as you would let it go. That frustrated me, I wanted more but you were so worried that you would lose control and that I would get hurt that you would not take it further. But I didn't care. I wanted to show my love for you and giving myself to you fully was the best way to show that. I didn't care if you hurt me, I just wanted to be with you in a way that all couples are. That engaged couples were meant to do.

I never did accept that fact. We were engaged for nearly two months and not once would I accept the fact that we were engaged. I didn't want to be. I never wanted to make the same mistake that my mother had, and besides since when was I the marrying type? I only agreed because you said it would be the only way that you converted me. It was bribery Edward – I'm sure after 104 years that you would have known better.

But I forgive you because I am now the happiest...woman or vampire? Alive. I am so lucky to have you and Reneesme and for that I am always going to be grateful. You wanna know why I finally accepted the proposal? It wasn't because it meant that you would have turned me into a vampire, its because of the love that I had for you. I wanted to make it official, wanted people to know that we were together and we were always going to be together – no matter what the odds against you were. I know people were not happy – Charlie for instance, because we had not been together for very long, and we, well me, was very young. But I didn't care about that, I loved you Edward. I always had.

Since the first time I saw you there was something that had attracted me to you – not because you were beautiful, but there was something mysterious about you. And the more I got to know you, not always on the best terms, the more I realised I needed you. It was after about four months that I realised that I was in love with you. That scared me. I had never felt this strongly about someone, never expected to have found love at only 17, but I had. I found you and I knew that my life would change after that. That I would not be able to live a life without you in it.

The day I married you was the happiest day of my life. Seeing you standing there in the tuxedo, with a huge smile on your face because of me, it made me feel special. Like I was the only person in the room. I was nervous – and scared. What if you decided in the future that you did not want me anymore, that you did not want me to be your wife? What would happen? Would you kill me? But I did not let those thoughts stop me from saying those two words – the two words that would bind us as one – I Do.

Then you whisked me away to Esme Island for a couple of days to celebrate our honeymoon. I didn't want a honeymoon, I just wanted to be with you, but you insisted – but I do have to admit, it was nice to have some privacy and alone time. But what was even better was the fact that you allowed me to cross the boundaries. The boundaries that I wanted to take for months. We slept together. I'm not sure how to describe the feelings that I experienced during that time. I wasn't sure what to expect. But it was more than I could ever have dreamed of. The feel of your cold body against mine gave me a sensation that I am not able to put into words, but it felt amazing. I loved the way that you touched me as we made love, the way you whispered that you loved me and made sure that you didn't hurt me. I knew that this was hard for you to control, but we had waited so long.

You felt guilty when I woke up the next day with bruises over my body. It was not your fault Edward – so please stop having a guilty conscience about it. I was the one that forced you to make love to me, so I will take the blame. I know that you still look back at that day and think that you were a monster, that you should never have gone ahead with it. But Edward, please do not blame yourself OK? You are not a monster. I understood the risks but I still pushed you – please do not let this haunt you, I forgive you.

Then I discovered that I was pregnant. After the first time that we had sex. I was in shock. I never expected that to happen to me – I was following my mothers path, getting married and having a child not long after graduating. You didn't want me to have the baby – wanted Carlisle to take the baby out of me but I wouldn't let you. I would not let you take away my child – no matter how much damage she was causing me. I knew that you were worried, I could see it in your face. Could tell by the way that you never left my side. Barely spoke to the others, and just sat there watching me deteriorate and kill myself. But it was my baby – and I was not going to let anything happen to it. Its hard to describe, even to this day. But I instantly felt love for her. Even though she was hurting me, I loved her and I had to protect her. Although I never thought about having children, as soon as I discovered I was pregnant, I did not want anything happen to the child that was inside me. It was not her fault that she was draining me for her, that was half of what she is and I am not going to blame her for me – for being what I am now.

What shocked me the most was how quickly she was growing. In less than a month she was ready to be born, and Carlisle had to perform a c-section to bring her out safely, but I nearly died during the process, and I cannot imagine how that has affected you. I see you looking at me sometimes, feeling guilty for making me like this. For agreeing to make love to me, but how were you to know? This had never happened in your world. There was no way that Vampires and Humans should ever be allowed to date, let alone procreate. But we were the exception, we fell in love despite the differences. The pregnancy scared all of us. None of us knew what to expect, no one realised that it was possible for male vampires to impregnate. So we just had to wait and see what would happen – I am sorry for putting you through pain Edward, I never meant to hurt you but I couldn't hurt our child either.

It was a different experience waking up. I knew that I wasn't human anymore. Knew that I was beautiful – like you. That we would now be spending the rest of our lives to together – me, you and Reneesme. I also knew the dangers of me being a new vampire. The thirst for human blood, but I knew that you would help me through it. Try to help me so that I wouldn't hurt innocents. I didn't want that. I couldn't do that. I wanted to be with you – that was the only reason for this. For wanting to become one of you. But I was surprised, surprised by the amount of self control that I had when it came to humans. I was able to handle it, and I could tell that even Rosalie was impressed by that. But what shocked me the most was my hunger for you, I thought that some of the feelings I had for you would disappear. Never realised that my feelings would stay the same, but they did, and for that I was happy. I didn't want to be able to have to fall in love with you again, and it also meant that I could have you fully, without you worrying that you were going to hurt me – and there being no more incidents.

Holding Reneesme made everything clear for me. I was a mother, I had a child. She made me smile every time that I held her, every time that I would walk into the room and she would face me, arms outstretched. She wanted me. Wanted me to hold her, to love her, and I was more than happy to. She was my life, and I would do anything to save her. I was willing to give the Volturi myself instead of them hurting her. She meant that much to me – just like you do. But knowing that they were after her, I felt as if I could do anything to protect her. I had to. I could not let them take away the child that I had fought so hard for. Just knowing that I can get to see her makes me smile – knowing that her little hands reach out to me makes me appreciate everything.

I just wish that I could tell Charlie the truth, it pains me him not being able to tell him the truth but I know it is for the best. It is far too dangerous for him to know and I can understand that. I am glad that he knows that something is going on, even if it isn't the truth, because it means that I can still keep him in my life. I just hope that someday he will be able to realise that being with you is the best thing for me, and I do not care who, or what, you were, you were always meant to be in my life.

I love you Edward, I always will. My heart will always belong to you as will my soul. I am yours forever and no one is ever going to take you away from me – not life, not death because I will be there Edward – I will join you. I cannot be apart from you, my life is nothing if you are not in it. You and Reneesme are my world – I do not know what I could do if I lost either of you. I have never felt happier and it is all because of you.

Lots of love, forever

Your Bella

xxx


End file.
